listening to: Michelle Branch - Sooner or Later

One of these days, you're gonna wish you had me because I have been cleaning up your mess all these while. I was never your number 1 and I don't care. I just don't see why you can't just let me be when I am obviously less important than some other people. You see, there is a reason why I don't want to come back - and I still don't wanna - and that reason, you will never know cause you will never bother asking or even notice for that matter. What? Am I supposed to explain to you where I go? What I do at certain places? Since you don't bother, then don't ask as I don't care because you have never been that important in my life anyway. Just give me whatever I'm supposed to get and leave me alone like you always do. Don't try to control me just because I came back as it is too late for that.

One more thing that you should know is that it is your pride that is on the line, not mine. Yes, I am prideful but let me remind you that this path is one that you force on me and honestly, I don't care of I don't complete it because I don't like having to complete things under these conditions. My pride has long gone but my resentment of you people is growing by the day.

Also, you have no right whatsoever to be upset over gifts that other people give me. What? Am I supposed to say "oh no.. its okay.. you'll get it for me soon". God, who are we kidding? You are just kidding yourself cause I know you will get me nothing. Stop making it as if I'm ungrateful because you know what? Say whatever you want because your words would only be like scratches from a fall.

Then why am I still here you may ask? We'll have to ask you that question because you were the one who demanded me to be here. I didn't wanna be here, I don't want to be here and I never quite want to be here.

So make up your mind because this might just be the last time I come back.

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As I have said in this blog or my other blog, I want to go to the casino and just gamble. The only things I have left to gamble is my emotions and money. Why I want to gamble? Because it would make me feel better that I'm broke because of the things I did and not because someone decided to fuck their lives and incidentally fucked mine too. It would definitely make me feel better if I have my hand in fucking my own life. The reason why I cannot gamble with my emotions is because I am already on an emotional rollercoaster so I choose to let it be the last thing I will gamble as that is the one with the least predictable outcome.

I have two more papers to sit for and then my friends are going for a holiday, which I cannot follow because someone gave me an ultimantium so all I want to do is to sit somewhere drinking tea and thinking about things I want to decide. Hopefully by then, I will stick to the decisions I have made.

I need to talk to someone matured and have seen the world, but whom? I don't want to burden them with my problems.

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until someone rudely woke me up because all the ATMs have gone offline and he needs cash to go out. NO sorry for having woke you up or even thank you for the money.

This is what men who thinks that they should be worshipped does, especially those brought up in a typical chinese family where men are to be worshipped as god.

And they wonder why I refuse to give the exact replicas of the useless men in my life a chance just because there is a possibility that they can be a nice and loving boyfriend. *snorts* I should just shoot myself.

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I started out trying to let go... but now I can't because someone else has gone and blew my rationalisations away.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? Usually there is a cause and an effect that it just seemed so right although it seems so utterly random at the same time? I guess this is the chaos theory?

So now there is like 25 vs 1 and me.. I have no idea what to do.

Apparently the supper last month was the first step... and I totally didn't see anything. I put it under... because he made me OT on my last day... and so my friend said she's so gonna strangle me for it. Yes, I like to tell half and not tell the other half just in case he found his way here! T.T And yes, this is my lesser known blog and yet I'm still afraid!

What am I to do? Should I go with my best girl friend (who thinks that he doesn't like me) or my best guy friend (who thinks that he does like me) and this other friend I just talked to earlier.

I want to bang my head against the wall and get this done and over with. I guess this is the reason I need to start the work that I don't want to do.

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Dear god,

OMG... this week is like a super duper bad luck week! I swear, god.... wtf are u doing up there??!!! am i not going through enough now that you have to dump this stupid mother fucking ridiculously disgusting, immature, perverted, gung-ho, guy with the fucking mentality like guys in the 50s on me? Really??? Can't u send me that awesomely awesome guy that aint so far away?? I so much rather that awesome guy who aint so far away... i rather die than getting together with someone who is like another replica of the many useless men in my life. is that too much to ask??? for an awesome guy who isnt like those useless men? and it's not like i can choose to be homosexual. yes, that's right, i rather be a homo than like men who are completely and utterly USELESSS!

Btw, if you tell me being a privacy invader, making disgusting sounds, being rude and pretending to be all superior are the characteristics of "being hit on", you seriously have to go get yourself a new fucking brain, after you shoot yourself in the head!

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I'm itching for a fight right now... because of the amount of anger and frustration in me which was definitely caused by a certain someone whom has chosen not to show her face around the internet.

It's really, really hard to keep it in, especially when I'm around those who are close to me but I don't want them to be the sacrificial lambs because it is totally not their fault. I don't know if this anger and frustration is causing me to be so dehydrated this week. It really don't seem right because no matter how many gallons of water I drink, my lips are still cracking and my throat feels dry really often.

And the best part about this anger and resentment is that the other party is so awesome at instilling guilt-conscience, as if it is never her fault since she is in denial all the time. Seriously.. what does getting a mistress has to do with a person being uselesS?

Right now, I'd really love to get into random arguments or maybe a street fight.. hahaa yea.. a streat fight.. sounds awesomely fun.

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