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undecided
Freedom
Monday. 7.17.17 9:07 am
How does one mourn the loss of freedom?

I've just came back from a weekend at my friend's down south. No, we didn't do much, in fact, it was like a semi-staycation if I were to say it correctly.

Coming back, I know what I've been missing in the last month and I know what I have been fighting to hold onto - my freedom. My freedom to be physically far away from things that isn't my problem and should not be affecting me. My freedom to do anything I want without having to plan in advance, my freedom without having to tell people where I am going or when I will be home, my freedom to be me at home.

How does one mourn the loss of that?

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Mr Right Now
Saturday. 5.27.17 1:00 am
I didn't think it would hit me this hard.. I suppose that's what happens when you start seeing someone you actually like as a person, knowing that it won't last long and then it lasted even shorter than expected.

We met at Church.. Like literally, he said to meet him in front of a church. Love his sense of humour already.

Things were going really, really slow and so I thought "okay, friends"... though I got a kiss on the cheek on the 2nd date. Honestly, I don't know how dates goes anyway because it is different with different people. Kisses on the cheeks are friendly after all. Then I got locked out of my flat that Saturday that I went hiking with him... and because all my friends and flatmate are not in the city that weekend, I stayed over at his. That was when I realised that he actually wanted more to this - he held my hand... like finally on the 3rd date.

Nothing happened.. cuddles and pillow talk and we agree that whatever this is, it is comfortable. He thinks that he is infatuated with me and I'm fine with it because Mr Right Now is meant to anchor me through my extended limbo and I'm getting tired of doing it on my own. I just wanted cuddles and hugs and someone to keep me sane when I'm quite on the verge of going crazy.

The next time we met, he explained that he just got out of a relationship so we will have to take this really slow and this isn't anything serious, which I am absolutely fine with. He had a panic attack the next morning and thought that we should stop seeing each other. He apologised later and said that we'll meet and talk the day after that.

The day after that... he was all sweet and apologetic about his panic attack and said that he'll be there through the storm.

He decided that he can't see me anymore a few days after on the account that "I wanted more". Yes, I don't speak much or ask much about us, I don't really know what to say or how to bring it up without making things awkward. I don't want more - I just want something stable in this chaos. He said that he is a dick and that he is definitely infatuated with me and that he is sorry that he hurt me.

Funnily enough, it does hurt. I like him as a person and I'm quite sure that's why. On top of that, it is rather difficult to find someone whom I am comfortable with.

I've been out on dates since then and yet I am finding myself missing his presence. I wish I didn't have to have to find another Mr Right Now because soon, there is no need for one anymore.

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That thing is still there
Friday. 5.5.17 6:12 am
There was a time in my life when you'd call or text a short while after you cross my mind
There was a time in my life that that made me extremely happy
There was also a time in my life when that made me extremely sad and confused

Although it does not happen so often now, it still happens
Although it does not make me as happy, it still does
Although we've both moved on, I still question why this still happens

What is this thing between us?
Why do you try so hard?
Why do you put more effort into us staying as friends?

You'll never give me a proper answer
You never did try
So I've stopped asking why
Maybe someday, I'll know why

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2014 so far!
Thursday. 2.6.14 10:07 am
So, 2014 so far is like crazy. Crazy good, mostly. This is my list of things that are new this year in kind of a chronological order:

1) I had a fling, a very short-lived one but still a fling!
2) The most number of new clothes for Chinese New Year, ever (about 30 pieces).
3) The most number of shoes bought in 2 months (5 pairs).
4) New cover for my phone (usually they given to me).
5) New key chain (been using the same one for 3 years cause when original broke, I bought a replica so that doesn't count?)
6) Chinese New Year Reunion dinner with my mother's side of the family instead
7) I drove in Penang! I have never thought that I would drive in that city because the roads are narrow, there are a lot of motorcyclists on the road and the traffic is almost always heavy.
8) I love the people in my new job!
9) I'm busy as hell at my new job.
10) It's the first time two years that I have not religiously follow the new episodes of any series I have been watching.
11) I have been using make-up on a daily basis
12) I nearly tripped and fall so often today, I was told by a dude that it is time to change my new pair of heels.
13) I have, for the first time ever since I own a mobile phone, put a picture of a person as my wall paper for more than 5 minutes. It is Benedict Cumberbatch. I decided that I should wake up to someone I like, even if it is at the background of my snooze button.
14) I am going to be a bridesmaid!!
15) This is my first post on this account for this year.
16) I did something incredibly stupid today, which is I wore heels into work but forgot to pack my foldable flats. My feet now hurts, a lot.

I think I have made my point. This is me, trying to be more grateful and I think this is a good start.

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So, June...
Friday. 6.28.13 10:24 am
It is the end of June and yet another month has passed on by with me whining about how I don't want to work almost every day to my colleagues. It has only been about 3 weeks since I last saw him and I don't know why all I want to do is just spend time with him, even if it's just a little while. For some unknown reason, he still is the reason I have some stupid smile on my face. We have established that nothing can happen and nothing will happen and he has always metaphorically thrown a bucket of cold water at me whenever i even jokingly suggest that (I got a sweat face emoticon for telling him that I want him, not his money, so yea!). Yet every time I am upset with life and feeling lonely, I think of him. Probably because he was the only guy so far that I ever wanted. I am far from understanding any of his actions at all. I don't understand my need for his presence either.

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Friday. 5.31.13 7:15 am
You are like some kind of a drug.
With you around, things feel normal.
Improvements can be made but I don't know how.
Without you, it feels like something is missing.
And I crave for your presence.
It will not be satisfied till I have you by my side.
Even for a little while

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